Tracks:

Big Nellie May

Dundee Weaver

The Hermit

Seven Drunken Nights

The Money Rolls In

Dear Boss

Wee Castanettes

Puddles

The Mermaid

The Jolly Tinker

The Bantam Cock

Maids When You’re Young

Credits:

Alex Beaton – vocals, guitar, ancient mantel

Richard McIlvey – bass guitar

Randy Farrar – piano, synthsizer

Mary Beaton – vocals

Big Nellie May

New I’ll tell you the story of big Nellie May,

She took up the golf in a serious way.

With her shiny new clubs and her big plastic bog,

She could easily pass for Jack Nicklaus in drag.

Chorus

With a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay.

Now Nellie was handicapped more than the rest,

Her storke was impaired by the size of her chest.

Her overdevelopment proved her downfall,

When she swung, they both swung, and all missed the boll.

Chorus

Well, Nellie decided they hampered her stroke,

So she tethered them up with a big piece of rope.

But they didn’t like being tied up in a noose,

And the very next stroke, ach the rascals were loose.

Chorus

Dundee Weaver

Well I’m a Dundee weaver, And I come frae bonnie Dundee.

I met a Glasgow fellow, And he came courting me.

He took me out a-walking, Doon by the Kelvin Hall,

And there the dirty wee rascal stole, My thinguma jig awa’,

And there the dirty wee rascal stole, My thingumajig awa’.

He took me out a picnic, Doon by the Rouken glen.

He showed to me a bonnie wee bird, He showed me a bonnie wee hen,

He showed to me a bonnie wee bird, From a linnet toe a crow.

And he showed to me the bird that stole, My thingumojig awa’,

And he showed to me the bird that stole, My thingumo jig awa’.

So I’ll go back to Dundee, Looking bonnie young and fair,

And I’ll put on my bonnie blue dress, And I’ll tie up my bonnie broon hair

And I’ll put on my corsets fight, Tae make by body look small.

And naebody will know with my rosy cheeks, My thingumajig’s awa’.

And noebody will know with my rosy cheeks, My thingumajig’s awa’.

So all ye Dundee weavers, Take this advice frae me,

And never let a Glasgow lad, An inch above your knee.

And never stand in the long grass, Or up against a wall,

For if you do you con safely say, My thingumajig’s awa’,

For if you do you con safely say, My thingumajig’s awa’.

The Hermit

I know an old hermit who lived in a dell,

I’ll swear to the truth of this story I’ll tell.

My grandfather’s grandfather knew him quite well,

The hermit.

He lived all alone at the side of a lake,

Concoctions of herbs for his food he would take.

Not but fish would the good man partake

On a Friday.

His hair was all potted and tottered his clothes,

And once a year he bathed his body unclothed.

How the lake stood it, the good Lord only knows

And He won’t tell.

One day he emerged from the lake dripping wet,

and to his horrified vision two ladies he met.

Now in feminine matters he was no vet,

so he blushed.

Well he grabbed for his hat, as it lay on the beach,

Ta cover up all that its broad brim would reach.

Then he yelled to the maids in a horrified screech

“Go away.”

But the maids only laughed at his pitiest plight,

And begged him to show them the wondrous sight.

But he clung to that hut, and he clung bloody tight

To hide it.

Now just at that moment a wandering gnat

Made the hermit forget just what he was at.

He took a swipe at the insect, let go of the hat

Aahhh!

So now I have come to the end of my tale,

First the hermit turned red and then he turned pale.

He put up a prayer, for prayers never fail,

So it’s said.

The end of this story, there’s no doubt at all,

The Lord heard his prayer and He answered his call.

When he let go the hat, the hat didn’t fall,

It’s a blessed miracle, friends.

Seven Drunken Nights

As I went home on Monday night, as drunk, as drunk could be,

I saw a horse outside my door where my own horse should be.

So I called to the wife and I said to her, “Would you kindly tell to me,

Who owns that horse outside the door, where my own horse should be.”

She said to me, “Ach you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool, but

still you cannot see,

It’s nothing but on old sow that my mother gave to me.”

“Well it’s many the year I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more

But a saddle on a sow, I’ve never seen before.”

Now when I went home on Tuesday night, as drunk, as drunk could be,

I saw a coat behind the door where my own coat should be.

So I called to the wife and I said to her, “Would you kindly tell to me

Who owns that coat behind the door where my own coot should be.”

She said to me, “Ach you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool but

still you cannot see,

It’s nothing but an old blanket that my mother gave to me.”

“Well it’s many the year I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more

But buttons on a blanket, I’ve never seen before.”

Now when I went home on Wednesday night, as drunk, as drunk could be

I saw a pipe upon the chair where my own pipe should be.

So I called to the wife and I said to her, “Would you kindly tell to me

Who owns that pipe that’s on the choir where my own pipe should be.”

She said to me, “Ach you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool but

still you cannot see,

That’s nothing but a tin whisfie that my mother gave to me.”

Well it’s many the year I’ve traveled a hundred miles or more,

But tobacco in a tin whistle, I’ve never seen before.”

Noe when I went home on Thursday night, as drunk, as drunk could be,

I saw two boots beneath the bed where my own boots should be.

So I called to the wife and I said to her, “Would you kindly tell to me

Who owns these boots beneath the bed where my own boots should be.”

She said to me, “Ach you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool but

still you cannot see,

That’s nothing but a pair of geranium pots my mother gave to me.”

“Well it’s many the year I’ve traveled a hundred miles or more

But laces on geranium pots, I’ve never seen before.”

Now when I went home on Friday night, as drunk, as drunk could be

I saw head upon the bed where my own head should be.

So I called to the wife and I said to her, “Would you kindly tell to me

Who owns that head beside you in the bed where my own head should be.”

She sold to me, “Ach you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool but

still you cannot see,

That’s nothing but an old cabbage head my mother gave to me.”

“Well it’s many the year I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more

But whiskers on a cabbage head, I’ve never seen before”.

The Money Rolls In

My father makes counterfeit money,

My mother makes synthetic gin,

My sister sells kisses to sailors,

My God, how the money rolls in,

Chorus

Rolls in, rolls in,

My God! how the money rolls in, rolls in,

Rolls in, rolls in,

My God! how the money rolls in.

My brother is a slum missionary,

He saves fallen women from sin,

He’ll save you a blonde for a shilling,

My God, how the money rolls in.

Chorus

Now my grandma, she’s a boarding house keeper,

She takes young working girls in,

Then she puts a red light in the window,

My God, how the money rolls in.

Chorus

Dear Boss

Dear Boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,

And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight.

My body is all black and blue, my face a terrible grey,

So I hope you’ll understand why I am not at work today.

I was working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,

And throwing them down from such a height was not a good idea.

The foreman wasn’t very pleased, him being on awful sod,

And he said I’d hove to take them down the ladder in ma hod.

Now shifting all them bricks by hand, it seemed so awful slow,

So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.

But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,

That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

Now when I came down, I cut the rope, the barrel fell like lead,

And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.

I shot up like a rocket and to my dismay I found

That half ways up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

The barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped,

And when I reached the top, I struck the pulley with my head.

I still clung on, though numbed in shock from this almighty blow,

And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,

Sure I then outweighed the barrel and I started down once more.

Still clinging tightly to the rope, I headed for the ground,

And I fell amongst the broken bricks that were all scattered round.

As I lay there moaning on the floor, sure I thought I’d passed the worst,

Then the barrel struck the pulley wheel, and didn’t the bottom burst.

A shower of bricks came down on me, sure I hadn’t got a hope,

And as I was losing consciousness I let go the bloody rope.

Now the barrel, it being heavier, it started down once more,

And it landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.

I broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,

That I hope you’ll understand why l am not at work today.

Wee Castanets

Have you heard of those summer romances

Free love, on the beaches of Spain.

There’s this Don Juan who fancied his chances,

And who never will be quite the same.

For he met Mavis Munn frae Cumlockie,

He could tell she was just off the plane,

Swiggin’ straight rum frae a bottle,

That had duty free stamped oe’r the name.

“Buenos dias, my lovely signora,

All alone in Majorca I see,

Let me show you around my adobe,” he said,

Placing his hand on her knee, on her knee.

“Hey signor, por favor, don’t get randy,

Move your hand and you’ll have no regrets,

For as much as a hug, I would let loose ma dug,

 And he’ll bite aft yer wee castanets.”

“Leav’s alone, gie’s a break,” hollered Mavis,

“Get yer dirty hands off me,” she cried.

Just then her beach bag started moving,

And oot poked a nose and two eyes.

“Hey Don Juan, meet ma pal, he’s called Hughie.

He’s the moist jealous dug that you’ll see.

A cross ‘tween a wolf and a basset,

And that’s him wakin’ up for his tea.”

All scars from a lifetime of brawls,

He leapt at the dark horny Spaniard,

And his jaws snapped aroon Don Juan’s tm la-la-la-la-la.

“I warned you,” said Mavis, “what happens.

There’s naebody gets messin’ wi’ me.

Noo I’m sorry if ma dug chewed your manhood,

But the message was plain as can be, as can be;

I said, “Signor, por favor, don’t get randy.

Move your hand and you’ll have no regrets,

For us much as a hug, I would let loose ma dug,

And he’ll bite aft yer wee castanettes.”

Puddles

My name it is John Saddenbed, it suits me very well,

At school they called me Puddles, now that really hurt like hell.

I had the weakest bladder that you’ll ever likely see,

Just a juicy orange, or apple’s all it took ta make me pee.

Chorus

WI’ ma troosers always soakin’ and ma legs all chapped and sore,

Memories of ma rivers runnin’ o’er the classroom floor.

An’ ma teacher wi’ her bucket, her wee plastic litter bin,

That she used to place beside me when the morning milk came in.

I went to see a doctor, one I’d known since I was born,

He handed me a plastic bag to wear just like a sporran.

It seemed to be the answer, hanging doon, tied up wi’ string,

Till a bumble bee crawled up ma leg and burst the bloody thing.

Chorus

Ma mother had her problems too, each night as I laid down,

So a rubber hose was bought for me while shopping in the town.

It was fitted tae ma willie, an’ the water, when it ran,

Crossed the bedroom, through the hallway, tae the toilet, doon the pan.

Chorus

We’ll have tae amputate it, came the hospital report,

We’ve tried a hundred different ways, this is the last resort.

The operation’s simple, we’ll just snip it aft wi’ shears,

But it wisnae quite successful ‘cause it now runs oot ma ears.

Chorus

The Jolly Tinker

As I went down a shady lane, on a door I chanced to knock,

“Have you any pots or kettles now with rusty holes to block?”

Well indeed I have, don’t you know I have,

To my ri-fa-loo-ro-Ia-di, well indeed I hove.

The missus came up to the door, and asked me to come in,

Sayin, “You’re welcome jolly tinker, and I hope you brought your tin”

Well indeed I did, don’t you know I did,

To my ri-fa-loo-ro-lo-di, well indeed I did.

She took me through the kitchen and she took me through the hall,

And the servants cried, “The devil, has he come to block us all?”

Well indeed I haven’t, don’t you know I haven’t,

To my ri-fa-loo-ra-la-di, well indeed I haven’t.

She took me up the stairs, me boys, for to show me what to do,

Then she fell on the feather bed, so I fell on it too.

Indeed I did, don’t you know I did,

To my ri-fa-loo-ra-ia-di, well indeed I did.

So I then picked up my frying pan and I began to knock,

For to let the servants know, me boys, that I was at my work.

Och indeed I was, don’t you know I was,

To my ri-fa-loo-ra-la-di, well indeed I was.

She put her hand into her pocket and she drew out twenty pounds,

Sayin, “Take this me jolly tinker, and we’ll have another round.”

Och indeed we did, don’t you know we did,

To my ri-fa-loo-ra-Ia-di, well indeed we did.

Well I’ve been a jolly faker now for forty years or more,

Ach, but such a lovely job as that I never did before.

Well indeed I didn’t, don’t you know I didn’t,

To my ri-fa-loo-ra-la-di, well indeed I didn’t.

The Bantam Cock

He was a fine upstanding bantam cock,

So brisk, and stiff, and spry.

With a springy step and a jaunted plume,

And a purposeful look in his eye,

In his little black laughing eye.

So I took him to the coop and introduced him to

My seventeen wide eyed hens,

And he tooked and he tooked as a hero tooks,

And he bowed to them all and then

He up and took them all again.

Well then upon the peace of my ducks and geese

He boldly did intrude.

And with glazed eyes and open mouths

They bore it all with fortitude

And a little bit of gratitude.

He jumped my giggling guinea fowl,

He thrust his attentions upon

My twenty hysterical turkeys

And a visiting migrant swan,

And the bantam thundered on.

He groped my fantail pigeon doves

And my lily white columbine

And as I was locking up my budgerigar,

He jumped my parrot from behind—

He was sitting on my shoulder at the time.

Maids When You’re Young

An old man come courting me, hey ding doorum down,

Now and old man come courting me, me being young.

An old man come courting me, wanted to marry me,

Maids, when you’re young, never wed an old man.

Chorus

For he’s got no faloorum, faliddle aye oorum,

He’s got no faloorum, faliddle aye ay.

He’s got no faloorum, he’s lost his ding doorum.

Maids, when you’re young, never wed on old man.

When we went to the church, hey ding doorum down,

When we went to the church, me being young.

When we went to the church, he left me in the lurch,

Maids, when you’re young, never wed on old man.

When we went up to bed, hey ding doorum down,

When we went up to bed, me being young.

When we went up to bed, he lay like he was dead,

Maids, when you’re young, never wed on old man.

But as he iay asleep, hey ding doorum down,

But as he lay asleep, me being young.

But as he my asleep, out of bed I did creep,

Into the arms of a handsome young man.

For he’s got faloorum, foliddle aye oorum.

Yes, he’s got foloorum, faliddle aye ay.

Yes, he’s got faloorum, he’s got his ding doorum,

Maids, when you’re young, never wed an old man,

Maids, when you’re young, never wed an old man.

Well in sheer desperation she turned to the pro,

Who looked at poor Nell and said, “Well, I don’t know.

I’ve only seen two that look like yours do,

And they were on a camel in Calderpark Zoo.”

Chorus

Well this pointed remark at the poor girl’s physique,

Caused Nellie to lash out in a great fit of pique.

Her blow caught the pro in his most cherished spot,

And now he has two just as big as she’s got.

Chorus

The Mermaid

When I was a lad in a fishing town, an old man said to me,

“You can spend your life, your jolly life, just sailing on the sea.

You can search the world for pretty girls till your eyes are weak and dim

But you don’t go swimming with a mermaid, son,

If you don’t know how to swim.”

‘Cause her hair is green as seaweed, and her skin is blue and pole,

And I tell you now before you start, you can love that girl with all your heart,

But you’re just gonna love the upper part, ach, you’re not gonna like the tail.

So I signed on to a whaling ship, the very first day at sea,

I saw a mermaid in the waves, reaching out for me.

“Come swim with me in the sea,” said she, “and down an the ocean floor,

And I’ll show you a million wondrous things you’ve never seen before.”

So over I jumped and she pulled me down, down to her seaweed bed,

And a pillow made of tortoise shells she placed beneath my head.

She fed me shrimp and caviar upon a silver dish,

From her head to her waist she was just my taste, but the rest of her was a fish.

And her hair was green as seaweed, and her skin was blue and pale,

And her face, it was a work of art, and I loved that girl with oil my heart.

But I only loved the upper part, ach, I didnae like the tail.”

Then one day she swam away, and I sang to the clams and wholes.

And I missed her fins, her seaweed hair, and her shiny, silvery scales.

Then her sister - huh - she swam by, set my heart a-whirl,

Cause the upper part was an ugly fish, but the bottom port was a girl.

And her toes were pink and rosy, and her knees were smooth and pale,

And her legs they are a work of art, and I love that girl with all my heart.

And I don’t give a damn about the upper part,

And that’s how I end my tale.

But all of a sudden, with a gasp and a gulp

He clapped his wings to his head.

He lay flat on his back with his feet in the air,

My bantam cock was dead,

And the vultures circled overhead.

What a noble beast, what a champion cock,

What a way to live and to die.

But as I dug him a grave to protect his bones

From those hungry buzzards in the sky,

The bantam opened up a sly little eye.

He gave me a wink and a terrible grin,

The way that rapists do.

He said, “You see them silly daft buggers up there,

They’ll be down in a minute or two,

They’ll be down in a minute or two.”